What Anchors Me?

For most people,  family, friends, career, and financial security anchors them. Any shifts in these will shake their life. Health? No, it matters only after we lose it, like air and water. They matter not in normal circumstances.

What about me?  Living in this adopted country for more than 23 years now. I have no family ties here. Siblings in China all have their own families now. Although we are close, they have closer ties now.   Parents  are aging, and I feel guilty that I could be on their side. It has been two and half years now since I see them. International travel will not return to normal even by 2022.

Friends? yes, I made friends from time to time. As I changed jobs and moves, friends gradually become distant and lose touch.  

Financial security?  I have some through habits of saving and investing, thanks to my modest upbringing.

Career?  I have been working for it all my life. It brought me some purpose in life, social structure, and financial reward.  I’have struggled and self-doubted. Now I am sure the institution I’d worked for diverged from my ideal; I quitted. I am now taking a break from it at least for now. Suddenly, all the stuff coming from with it, pain or join, somewhat loosened. I was like the nut inside. Now with the shell cracked open, the nut is exposed.   Where is my anchor?

For quite sometime during the lockdown, I took photographing as a hobby. My days consisted of walking in the vicinity of 2 or 3 miles, with Sony A7RIII on my shoulder every late afternoon and early evening, then retreated in front of my computer, processing photos or watching youtube videos on photographing.   

I got to piece together the politics power dynamics, the irrationally, the injustice occurred at work and get a perspective.  My education has been emphasized on STEM, not enough on humanity.  I researched and found philosophical books to read. Through the philosophical investor-turned writer Nessim Calib, the popular book writer Robert Greene, I ventured out and got to  meet with the ancient Greeks, Machivalli in his <the Prince> and <discourse on Levi>, David Hume, and Russell on the Western Philosophy.  I also get interested in modern neural  and cognitive sciences. I understand much more about myself, on our existence both as an individual and and as collective. I understand how randomness (or luck, fortune) places in role not just in the financial world, but also our everyday life.

I get on fitness. I bought an e-bike and tried to relive my adolescence, cycling for errands, and occasionally for recreation, photographing in the nearby beautiful forest park. I started to run. I started to Zhan Zhuang (standing meditation), a foundation of Chinese martial art to cultivate and recover my innate qi.

I totally agreed with Hume that the two fundamental natures of human being is sympathy and the mind tendency of reasoning and association.  While I enjoy reading the ripe fruits of human reasoning, I feel it alienates me from the joy originated being silly,  impromptu, unpredictable, childish, and maverick. Perhaps deep down, I am still a traditional Chinese, only family and social hierarchical structures can anchor and solidify me.   

Home is where you feel inner peace. Where can I find such peace?  where is my heart’s home?  I do not know. Perhaps, I can meet up with ancient Chinese Zen masters, starting from reading the classical Buddhism Scriptures: the diamond and lengyan scriptures. I will let you know if I find the way to my heart’s home.